I’d Like to Report the Theft of My Waist


“Officer, I’d like to report a crime. Someone stole my waistline.”

“When did you first notice it missing?

“Um, well, I’m not sure. I mean, it just sort of left. One minute it was there and then one day, I looked down and noticed it was gone.”

“Do you, by any chance, eat too much?”

“No, in fact, I eat very little in the grand scheme of things. Maybe you should interview my friends.”

“Why, do you suspect one of them of committing this crime?”

Well, quite a few of my friends should be on diets and I hear that this can play into crimes of this nature.”

“Any other information you can give me?”

“Yes! I don’t sleep 8 hours a night. I think that might give you a lead. I’d try to expand more on that but I’m too sleepy.”

“Alrighty then. Anything more you can think of?”

“I have a sluggish thyroid.”

“Are you on medication for that?”

“Why yes, I’m glad that you mentioned medication. I’m on several other medications that could have something to do with my waist’s disappearance. You might want to go interview my doctor. And while you’re at it, I’d suggest you also talk to my minister and my psychiatrist. I’ve been under tremendous stress ever since my mom had her first mini-stroke.”


“Let’s see now, you want me to investigate your friends and your sleep habits and interview your doctor, your minister, and your psychiatrist. Is it possible that you might just be making wrong food choices?”

“Hey, no need to get nasty about this. My taxes pay your salary, you know. Um, you happen to have a donut on you, by any chance? It’s past my lunchtime.”


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